Mr LG

Dear Everyone,

I am here looking for help and advice.
 
Here is my story--
 
I married my wife about 20 years ago when I went to the US to study (I am originally from Middle East). My wife is an American Chinese who was born in the US and has spent most of her life in America.
 
Our marriage happened when we accidently had our son when we were in our early 20s. Although we loved each other when we married, I have to say on certain level I had no choice and the marriage may have started in a different way compared to others. Life was hard when we just got married, I was a student and had to work hard to support the family, while at the same time studying. However, things were good for a while when we were living in the US. Life has changed to a better situation when I graduated eventually and started working in a professional industry. I am the financial support for the family since we got married (I am not using this as the excuse for what I did, just for your information). My wife works and she saves all her earnings.
 
Then I have found my wife had an affair in about 6-7 years ago when I was crazily busy with work/travel. I was very sad as I have been working so hard and have tried my best to give my wife everything, money, financial support, etc.  Being so upset about the affair I have chosen to leave her however I had to give up leaving her as she apologized deeply about her affair and had done a lot of things to keep me stay within the marriage. I've tried for couple of years however frankly things had changed since then. I could never love her the same way again. I stopped doing a lot of things, stopped saying 'I love you', stopped doing the sweet things I used to do. (I am still financially supporting everything until today and I don’t think this will ever change even I leave her one day). After a while since I have found about her affair, I have requested to relocate to the Middle East with my son. Initially my wife didn’t agree with my relocation however I insisted. We have had a long distance relationship for more than 5 years since I moved to ME with my son. we saw each other few times a year and the marriage to me was more like a responsibility and I felt the relationship was not that close.
 
About almost two years ago, I met a girl who is a co-worker in a business trip.  We fell in love with each other crazily. we both feel deeply guilty and bad about what we did, however, sometimes love cannot be judged by a logical brain or the moral standard. believe me or not, this happened not just because passion or any other reasons that people would think about an affair  in the generic way. We love each other crazily.  the girl and I had so many things in common, we are always surprised that how many things we can match each other. we have long distance as well and we have been going through so many issues together for almost two years. we don’t get to see each other that often we can't even talk as we want. if this is not love, I don't know what love is!
 
I feel that I want a change. the first thing I needed to do is leaving my wife. this has been the hardest and most difficult thing in my life. maybe I don't know woman very well, maybe I don't know about relationship at all! or maybe tell your partner that you want to leave is never a doable thing!! About 16 months ago, when she came to see me I chose to let her to find out herself that I am loving someone else by giving her some pieces of information about my affair. I know I probably did the most stupid thing. I thought she would leave me when she finds out this.  I thought this is a better way to separate as I cannot just kick her out which is too cruel. She started screaming crying very badly and had fights with me so many times since she found out my affair. She has been very unstable, sometimes she screams and cries, sometimes she keeps quiet, sometimes she tells me that she want to leave. She has moved to the ME since then and has tried everything to discover about the affair and has found a lot of details  such as text messages, photos, emails, etc. initially she has told me that she can't take what I did to her. . sometimes she looks fine in front of my son and sometimes she fights with me and keeps asking why I did  this to her. I've never brought up the affair that she had as we both agreed in the past. however she did bring it up a few times and asked me "is that why you are getting back to me?". No, my answer was no. and I know it is not the reason for sure.
 
I tried to talk to her and tell her that we can't live together however this never works. She starts screaming and shouting and crying every time. She doesn't want to work things out or resolve the issue as I tried to. She is threatening me that if I see this girl again, she will send all the evidences about my affair to everyone including my family, friends, colleagues, company. I believe my wife is burned with longing for revenge as she is deeply hurt and jealous. She is trying everything to lock me down, such as watching me on emails, phones, messages, bank account, and every other possible channel every moment. A few months agoI had a company conference trip with over 200 people include the girl. my wife has found out from the hotel reception that the girl is checked in (wife knows her name) and has called her room so many times. I had a chance to get to know that she told her friend (which is the only 'outsider' knows about my affair) that "I am not leaving him, if I can't have him nobody can. I will kill him if he leaves me! I will take all the money away!".
 
I feel so bad that I made such a mess and I am making my wife so miserable! I know I hurt my wife so badly but I can't just live with her because I fell sorry for her. This is not fair for her as I don't love her anymore. she needs her life and needs to be truly loved. From the information that my wife has found out about my affair, she knows for sure how much I love the girl.  I've done a lot of things with the girl that I've never done in my life. I know my wife has so much anger and jealousness about what I did. She abused and warned the girl for a few times. I have been honest to the girl that I can't be with her as I don't think I can resolve my issues.
 
I have thought about all of these seriously before I decided to divorce, by taking the girl out of the picture. I want to resolve the issues and get out of the marriage as I don't think my relationship will work out after a serious consideration.  I only want to divorce in a way that we both agree with. I don't care about the money and properties but I don't want my wife to unveil my affair if we divorce. You may say that I am selfish but I  am afraid that she will tell everyone about my affair especially my mom and my son on purpose. My relationship should never affect other people that I love and care about. Another important concern is my son as I may risk that he will never talk to me again if I divorce his mother.
 
I am stuck and depressed and have been under such a pressure for a long period. My wife fights with me quite often and brings up my affair every time. Most of the time I keep quiet to calm her down. She told me that she will never trust me again. She is suspecting that I am keep in touch with the girl all the time. I have to call my wife and txt her every time when I am travelling so that she won't get crazy and starts calling all my colleague. All I am doing is to keep her quiet. Life with endless fights is unusual and I don't know how long I can take this. 
 
I am sorry about my long  terrible story. look forward to hearing from you.
 
Kind regards,
LG

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